Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I'm Scared

I'm scared. I'm scared about my parents health and if they'll ever get to meet my baby. I'm scared about raising a baby. She is my responsibility no matter what. I'm responsible for her physically, emotionally, and financially. I'm scared about my marriage and if it's meant to last. I guess I'm scared of life and change, especially the bad and scary changes that keep you up at night.

I try to think positively but the darkness creeps in. What if? What if something bad happens? What if I get hurt? What if I get left alone? What will I do?

I know the best way to conquer fear is through action but what action do I take? What if I make the wrong choice? It's not just my life anymore, it's my daughter, my husband, my parents. We're all affected by the decisions I make.

My parents are ill and I can't be there and that hurts. I don't trust my husband entirely and that hurts. I can't be in two places at once and that hurts. The stronger the love, the more it hurts.

I can't live my entire life being scared but I do worry. Nothing is guaranteed. Every day is precious and a gift. We must make the most of it and have no regrets. Of course, that is easier said than done. I wouldn't be scared if I didn't care. I care so deeply it hurts. It's a double edged sword. I want my daughter to be happy. I want my parents to be ok. I want a husband I can love and trust. I just want everything to be ok.

I guess it's normal as a new mom to be scared and worried constantly. I guess it just goes with the territory. I want my daughter to have a home and family. I want her to know my parents. I want her to have friends and do well in school. I want her to be pretty. Having a baby has opened up my heart. I love more, and I'm scared more. Things are more intense. Life is more in focus.