Saturday, October 15, 2011

Two and a Half Years

I can't believe it's been two and a half years. I didn't think it would take this long. Obviously nothing is working. Doctors, surgery, medications, nothing works, but like fools we keep going back for more.

I'm sad, angry, and frustrated. I want answers not more appointments. I'm tired of being told to wait-wait 3 months, wait a year, things will change. Yeah. right. Nothing changes but my bank account.

I go to doctors and I'm at their mercy. I'm desperate and I want help. They have me where they want me and they know it. I'm putty in their hands. Not anymore. I'm taking charge of my own health. I'm not going to sit there and listen like a good little girl. I know they're the experts but I pay the bill. I want answers and I want a plan. Don't tell me to keep coming back for more. Give me everything you got. I don't have time to wait and try this and that. The clock is ticking and time is running out.

Two and a half years later and I'm still on step one. Step two seems so far away. Every month it gets further and further. I feel like I've tried everything and nothing has worked. If doctors can't help then who can. I thought God wanted a man and woman to procreate. Then why can't we. It's easy to be sad. It's harder to be proactive but the clock is ticking. It's always ticking and never stops. Weeks turn into months, months become a year, and the clock keeps ticking. It never stops and neither will I. 

Saturday, October 1, 2011

More Than Just a Wife

I want to be more than just a wife. I would like to be a mom too but as the months and years go by that's becoming increasingly difficult. A wife, unlike a mom, is not a full time job. It's a part of who you are but it's not the whole pie. I tell people I'm a housewife with no kids and they look at me like I'm an alien.

I feel like I have no identity. If I were pregnant or had kids I would be the mom-to-be or the stay-at- home mom. I would be part of the mom club. Instead I'm part of the infertility club which is a secret and shameful club that no one discusses or wants to be a part of.

I haven't worked in many years and if I went back to work today I would probably be lucky to make minimum wage in an office somewhere. I would have to start all over again and work my way up, which is something I'm used to doing but I just don't want to. I like to write (obviously) but that doesn't pay the bills. I like to do a lot of things-cook, read, for example-but nothing that really translates into a skill that I can be paid for.

I'm on the search for an identity. I'm more than just a housewife and I hope someday to be a mom but until then I have to find something else to occupy my time. Even if I'm not a mom or a CEO, I'm still a person who has thoughts and feelings. Every person should be respected. We shouldn't be labeled by who we are or who we want to be. We're all humans on this journey called life. We all have issues and problems that no one knows about. Let's respect each other and be nice to one another. Let's just make it to the end of the day, take a deep breathe, and get ready for tomorrow.