Wednesday, August 31, 2011

What's Next?

What do I do next and where do I go from here are questions I ask myself often. As I sit and wait for something good to happen, I still need to live my life. I can't focus on one thing or I'll go crazy.

Maybe if I don't focus so much on getting pregnant, it will happen. As much as I hate to be told to relax and not think about it, it may be the best thing I can do. Nothing is going to happen overnight and right now we're doing everything we can. Only time will tell if it works.

I need to start living again and finding reasons to really live and get out of bed in the morning. Nothing will replace my desire to have a baby but I need to focus on something that will get me through the day. Whether it's a job or travel or a new hobby, there has to be something out there to keep me occupied. There's more to life than just wanting a child.

As I move forward and wonder what's next, I know I have many options out there. I just can't do them all today or at once. Maybe next year we'll try something else but in the meantime I have to do something. I can't keep living on a hope and a dream. Dream time is over. It's time to wake up and face reality. It may take years to have a baby, if it happens at all. I have no control and there are no guarantees. Whatever plans I made are out the window. I can try to manipulate the situation but in the end it's up to my body, not me or a doctor, to make things happen. There's nothing I can do right now but live, and get through the day, one cycle at a time.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Plan B

I've been thinking a lot lately about what if we don't have kids or what if it takes another 2, 3, 4 years to conceive. What do I do in the meantime? Everyone must have a plan B or even C or D. I quit working thinking I would have a kid by now. I never thought in a million years we would have fertility problems. You always hear about it but you never think it's going to be you, especially when you're young and healthy.

As I wait, hope and pray to get pregnant, I sit...waiting. Waiting for something to happen. Even if I wanted to get a job, with one car that would be tough. So I sit and wait for something to happen. I feel like I'm on a plane, waiting to take off, anxious, excited but it's one unexplained delay after another. I'm in a holding pattern. I'm not going forward and I'm not looking back. I'm not going anywhere.

I thought a lot lately about going back to work and saving the money for either fertility treatments or plan B. I don't know what plan B is yet. It may include kids or it may not, it may include working, it may included moving, I don't know yet. It may include being married or not. In any case, there has to be a plan B. You can't depend on plan A to always work out. It doesn't work that way. I don't know what plan B is yet. It may be better or worse than my current situation. I won't know until I get there, but I have to be prepared. 

 

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Favorite Website...

babycenter.com - the reason I love this site is for the groups. Whether you're a mom, a mom-to-be, or trying to conceive, there's a group for you to join. Simply sign up and join a group, read comments and add your own thoughts and feelings. Great way to find people who are going through exactly what you are and who understand completely.

Infertility - Medical or Mental?

Infertility is a medical issue not a mental one. If you suffer from infertility you see doctors and have tests. It is not something you can wish or pray away. Taking a vacation won't help nor will getting a job to take your mind off things. Believe me, if it was that easy I would have done it but it's not.

If I had cancer you wouldn't tell me to relax or stop thinking about it too much. You would offer support and ask me how I'm doing. For some reason infertility is treated differently. People say you're trying too hard, just relax and it will happen. How do you know? Are you a doctor? Just because you have a child doesn't mean you're an expert on the reproductive system.

If I had a dime for every vitamin and herb I was suppose to take to get pregnant, I could open my own health food store. If these products actually worked there wouldn't be fertility drugs or clinics or specialists. If you don't have enough eggs or sperm to get the job done, no vitamin will help you. There is no magic pill.

I also hate it when people suggest adoption (usually these people have biological children of their own). As if adoption is so easy. Please point me in the direction of the nearest baby store. I want a child of my own like you. Don't suggest adoption unless you've tried it. It's very expensive and could take years. It's insulting. I want what you have. Please don't tell me to give up and go buy a baby. It's not a car or a house. You just can't buy children (legally).

I have a medical condition. I see doctors, take tests and use drugs. I want to be a parent and have a child that is a part of me and my husband. I want to experience pregnancy and birth. I want to have a family. Keep your opinions to yourself. Don't tell me what to do or feel unless you've been there. I need support and understanding, not critique and judgements. I already cry and pray for a miracle. I'm in pain and I feel broken and left behind. Please take my issue seriously and respect that it is a medical problem, not a mental one.    

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Favorite Website...

goop.com - if you love Gwyneth Paltrow and want to be her best friend but can't, this is the next best thing.

No Kid Zone

I've come to painfully realize that not everyone is meant to have kids. You don't have to have kids. Maybe I was kidding myself all these years. I got married and bought a house and naturally thought the next step was to have kids. Why not? Everyone else was doing it, so it must be the right thing to do, right?

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Sometimes you know this from the beginning and sometimes you figure it out along the way. I've never been a "baby person". Babies have always scared me. I don't know what to do with them after five minutes. I've never felt very maternal. I thought I wanted to be a mother but now I just don't know. Did I want to be a mother because everyone else was? Did I want to be a mother to please other people? Did I want to be a mother because I felt that was the next step into adulthood?

I'm not even close to my own mother. My mom was never the warm and fuzzy type. To be honest, I don't think she was meant to be a mother. Maybe it runs in the family. My mom just never seemed into it. I thought I was different but maybe I'm more like her than I care to admit.

I know people without kids and they seem happy. I don't know why they didn't have kids. Whether it's personal, medical, or circumstantial, it's none of my business. If I don't have kids I think I'll be okay. My life will be different but I will still have a life. Things will be okay. Life will go on and I will have to focus on different things. Maybe my life won't be as fulfilling or I'll be more selfish but I will only have me to worry about. I'll travel and do things I never thought I could do. I won't play it safe because I won't have to. I'm not responsible for anyone else. I'm going to try to enjoy myself, enjoy life, and try to have a good time. Life is too short not to.  

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Favorite Website...

www.thesimpledollar.com - Easy, basic financial advice in language you can understand, plus how to live a frugal lifestyle and be a better person. The Simple Dollar will simplify your life.

The Party's Over

I thought my life would be different. I thought by now I would be your typical, suburban soccer mom-chasing after kids, doing family activities, totally exhausted at the end of the day. But I'm not. I would give anything to be that mom.

I'm at the age where I no longer want to party. Just thinking about it makes me tired. In my twenties I did the clubs, bars and house parties. Now I rather stay home and read a book. I also don't drink as much as I used to. I don't need or want alcohol anymore. I prefer to stay in control of my actions. I don't need a drink to have a good time or be happy and relaxed.

Last night, my husband dragged me over to a friend's house for some late night beers (for him, not for me-always the designated driver). To be honest, it wasn't worth it. We both woke up the next morning tired as hell quickly realizing that were in our thirties not our twenties. I would rather stay at home changing diapers or rocking a baby to sleep but this is not my life.

Some people are forced to settle down, I want to settle down. I have a husband, a home, a cat, and now I just need a family to feel complete. Going out late at night and drinking my cares away isn't my definition of fun anymore. That's for the kids, I just want to be a mom.